???

up, then down in a matter of seconds
confused
full of wonder, but not the good kind
processing the thoughts that are formed about me 
wondering why i'm still being misunderstood
saying one thing and having that one thing be interpreted incorrectly
makes your mind weary
makes you ask questions that possibly can't be answered
makes me uneasy
can it be the me who i thought was on display is seen as someone that i'm not
will there ever be a time where i won't dwell on the irritances
the irritators have transferred their energy onto me
how to approach
should i approach
is it worth it to approach
i wish there was a coach to get me through these trying times
in my mind there is never rest
and when there is, it's always interrupted
irritation
irritated
still full of that not-so-good wonder
still confused

Nina Flowers will Always be the Winner to me!!!

From the beginning of the first season of RuPaul's Drag Race I knew Nina Flowers was incredible. There was something about her that served the "from another planet" tea... as the weeks progressed I saw the looks change but the personality remained the same. She was and IS fierce, but it was more than that that attracted me to him. He was someone I saw on tv that I could admire for a change. Personality, YES. Character, YES. Sincerity, YES. and let's not even go into those looks and that makeup!!!! He's incredible... (and such a cutie pie)

Unfortunately, the best don't always take home the title... Bebe Zahara Benet... the winner of the race. I wonder why she won over Nina. I never lived for her, but I can not take away from her fierceness, talent, and realness. and by the way, I LOVED her verse in "Cover Girl" the most out of the three... "Face Face Face, I give Face...." HOWEVER, Nina is still my favorite and she proved it on Friday January 22, 2010 at the F Word... 

I was walking through the uppermost floor and I glanced through my wig to the left and saw a familiar smile. Naturally the music in the club was loud but the voice and gestures looked very familiar. I knew it was Bebe... even if she was not in drag. So I said, hey aren't you Bebe, just wanting to say a "congratulations" or something... she said "no, that's not me." ...............ok..................  so in turn i replied "Well, tell Bebe when you see her congratulations" and walked away stunned (half stunned that a comeback came so quickly, half stunned that she would deny who she was!!!)  I also wondered... maybe I was wrong. Maybe it wasn't Bebe.... (NO! It was confirmed that she was there by a friend the next night) How dare she?!!! Yes she served "Cameroooooon" and wanted to support her country..... okay. We live for that. But to deny who she is when there are those (plenty, I'm sure) that believe she shouldn't have won in the first place????? for shame ... (and for the record, off the top of my head I do not know his real name, or how to pronounce it, but c'mon... anyone watching the show would call her Bebe... we should know this, right?)

So still gagged, I traipse up and down all those damn stairs at Rebel and eventually make my way to the potty.. As a exit the stall I see a guy finishing up and going to the sink... I had to wait a sec... but then I started to see familiar features... I start to say aloud "is that who I THINK it is?!!!" oh my goodness, is that you Nina!!! I know that's not you Nina!!!" and he says "yes it's me gurl!" with a huge GENUINE smile... after washing my hands and exiting the bathroom I proceeded to steal a hug (or four) and go IN about how much I lived... in the back of my mind I'm remembering someone named Bebe...

Jorge Flores (Nina) made my night and confirmed that she is INDEED the winner.. 2nd to none. Not to mention someone that won't even claim the name that gave her the title, and all these years of experience that she throws around... (is she jaded already? was there behind the scenes drama? ) Thank you Nina for being a true spirit and welcoming soul. How refreshing to have met you post-Bebe... It was a pleasure to meet you in person...Much continued success for you always! As for Bebe.... for shame!  (RUPAUL, DO YOU FEEL ME...you said it best... "What's the tea? gurl tell me what's the tea?"

jickyrones :-)

Miss Nina, you better WORK!

Misunderstood

I have been misunderstood my entire life. Misunderstood by family. Misunderstood by friends. Misunderstood by teachers, enemies, strangers, loves.... some just don't get me. For a while I misunderstood myself and sometimes I feel like I still do. However, I have come to have a firmer grasp on who I really am. As well as what it has taken to arrive here.... 

so it's that much more frustrating when it still happens. I know, I know... there will always be someone around that doesn't want to hear you, or "feel" you. There are always misunderstandings, no matter what type of relationship they happen in. It's hard to be in the middle of one because you find yourself explaining things that you never knew needed to be explained. You start wondering if the thoughts that started the disagreement have been around forever, or if they're new. You try to piece together the pieces of you in order to figure out the pieces of someone else. You try to make sense of ideas that overwhelm you. and even when you agree to disagree you're still left with the almost tangible feeling of being misunderstood. 

that was a mess, right?

I'm feeling messy today and a bit down. Been a while since I've contributed to the blog... i've had much to say but not the patience to sit down and write. At this moment (1/24/10 9:01pm) i am within my mode of silence. When I feel misunderstood, or when the understanding can not be made, silent thought is both a treasure and a torture device. Ricky's mind travels and skips from subject to subject, while moving to the soundtrack inside. It takes me to places that I've been and people i've met and allows me to dwell on the moments that lead me to where I am now... it deposits me in the present and I feel senses of happiness and sadness, elation and depression and more and more I don't care to divulge. Trying to live life as if nothing ever changed back in June. Trying to pretend that my extensive "free-time" can last forever... wrapping my mind around the last 4 years with Albert...dealing with starting a new professional life and still feeling QUITE unmotivated... dealing with friendships, some floundering, some flourishing.... lots on my mind and the 1000 miles per minute thinking ratio, I just feel like, emotionally, I can't get a break. This is where the misunderstanding of myself comes into play. I know that I'm not in control of this life... I try my best to go with the flow, but I must take part in the life in order to go with the flow... sometimes I'd like to coast through and NOT care about the future, and NOT care about the naked boxes of the balance (figure that one out... if you can, email me--ricky.jr.jones@gmail.com--) ..... I could go on and on about what I would "NOT" want to do, but why rant and rave... I am really thoughtful right now and and I am trying NOT (smile) to digress...

It saddens one to feel constantly misunderstood. Who could ever explain it... what about when the discussions don't solve the problem... what about the constant feeling of question marks everywhere... 

I literally got lost in thought as I tried to think of a closing remark..... so my closing remark is:

my remarks are closed... and probably still misunderstood..

Tired queens and Shade!!

Boy, did I have an experience tonite!!! I went to Pussy Faggot (I Know, you gotta love the name if you're a cunty character...others GET INTO IT! teehee) Anyhoo, down to the LES we went to support our girl Lady Miss Kier and she gave us a variety of jams that kept our heads bobbin' and feet moving. Being in her presence is enough but hearing a live set is a special treat! Thanks Kier, for the music, the laughs, the style, the fun..... you turned it! 
_______________________________________________________


Now, onto the shadiness of the night. I walk towards the back of the Delancey Lounge, an unknown venue to me, and see a small line of people. Considering I was looking for the coat-check, i thought maybe that was it. I stepped in to see a small line of people, a video camera, and a dressed and painted queen basking in the video camera-ness... gushing over herself. No tea about that because what queen doesn't like to monopolize a camera? and a video camera focused solely on her?! she was in heaven I'm sure. I happen to know this little gurl (not well, but i know who she is) so I spoke out to her "Hey _______, how are you babe?" she replies, "Heeey, come over here! Come in, come in!" We do the air-kiss thing so as not to ruin her ever-so-precious makeup... i purposely looked away from the camera so she wouldn't assume that I was trying to steal her spotlight. I stepped away from "her" space (and the poor people that were in line were looking as if, can we ever use the damn sink?!) and she YELLS out to me "Oh, and YOU of ALL people should be paying attention! SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE!"  Those were her EXACT words. Stunned, i said a "black" oooooohhhhmmmm! and politely walked off (I snapped a picture of her immediately after she said this, but I won't post it because she doesn't deserve facetime on MY blog.... she should be glad her tired ass is even getting mentioned this much!)


**so what was the purpose of her shade? was it because I wasn't in makeup myself? was it because she was loaded? was it because she was in front of the video camera and needed to be entertaining? This is my 1st NYC shady-queen experience in the 3 1/2 yrs i've been living here. I was gagged, irritated, annoyed, and a little disappointed. Now when people ask me about bout shady nitelife shit, I can't say that I haven't had any because now I have. Many people will say that it's nothing, or I should get over it...true. However, words are the most powerful weapon in my book and that was like a slap across the face to me... from a stranger! Not even from one of my gurls...


nothing to say except I took appropriate steps to address the situation, via facebook (because I don't know if she's a sober partier and it's not worth an in-club confrontation). It is quite disappointing though.......




And to add insult to injury, someone stole (Or Danks would say "lifted") my favorite blue fan....what a night full of shade... Glad i had fun anyway, and I got complimented on my Samba skills :-) 

Thanks Monge for the spats that have turned into so many things!

Looks of 2009.... some anyway... :-)

this latest phase of life started loooooong ago... a little eyeliner here, a shiny lip there... the occasional platform that wouldn't look too feminine... in 1997 I danced in drag as an Indian woman with a friend Mara for a family party for her grandmother (I think)... so convincing that when I changed and came back as a boy many didn't realize it was me... unfortunately I have no pictures of that.... in 2004 when Enoch and I were tortured souls at DEEP, that skirt woke something up that just blossomed in August 2009. It was the same Enoch that painted me for the tortured souls night, that got me ready for the late DRRRAMA in Los Angeles. It was early August and I'd designed a pink tshirt with tulle and scissor work... i just needed a fierce face to set off the white wig i'd chosen to be my DRRRAMA wig... and that's when the looks of 2009 started... hope you like..

(some looks are not shown due to external harddrive drama!!!!!)