I have been misunderstood my entire life. Misunderstood by family. Misunderstood by friends. Misunderstood by teachers, enemies, strangers, loves.... some just don't get me. For a while I misunderstood myself and sometimes I feel like I still do. However, I have come to have a firmer grasp on who I really am. As well as what it has taken to arrive here....
so it's that much more frustrating when it still happens. I know, I know... there will always be someone around that doesn't want to hear you, or "feel" you. There are always misunderstandings, no matter what type of relationship they happen in. It's hard to be in the middle of one because you find yourself explaining things that you never knew needed to be explained. You start wondering if the thoughts that started the disagreement have been around forever, or if they're new. You try to piece together the pieces of you in order to figure out the pieces of someone else. You try to make sense of ideas that overwhelm you. and even when you agree to disagree you're still left with the almost tangible feeling of being misunderstood.
that was a mess, right?
I'm feeling messy today and a bit down. Been a while since I've contributed to the blog... i've had much to say but not the patience to sit down and write. At this moment (1/24/10 9:01pm) i am within my mode of silence. When I feel misunderstood, or when the understanding can not be made, silent thought is both a treasure and a torture device. Ricky's mind travels and skips from subject to subject, while moving to the soundtrack inside. It takes me to places that I've been and people i've met and allows me to dwell on the moments that lead me to where I am now... it deposits me in the present and I feel senses of happiness and sadness, elation and depression and more and more I don't care to divulge. Trying to live life as if nothing ever changed back in June. Trying to pretend that my extensive "free-time" can last forever... wrapping my mind around the last 4 years with Albert...dealing with starting a new professional life and still feeling QUITE unmotivated... dealing with friendships, some floundering, some flourishing.... lots on my mind and the 1000 miles per minute thinking ratio, I just feel like, emotionally, I can't get a break. This is where the misunderstanding of myself comes into play. I know that I'm not in control of this life... I try my best to go with the flow, but I must take part in the life in order to go with the flow... sometimes I'd like to coast through and NOT care about the future, and NOT care about the naked boxes of the balance (figure that one out... if you can, email me--ricky.jr.jones@gmail.com--) ..... I could go on and on about what I would "NOT" want to do, but why rant and rave... I am really thoughtful right now and and I am trying NOT (smile) to digress...
It saddens one to feel constantly misunderstood. Who could ever explain it... what about when the discussions don't solve the problem... what about the constant feeling of question marks everywhere...
I literally got lost in thought as I tried to think of a closing remark..... so my closing remark is:
my remarks are closed... and probably still misunderstood..
